Information on Helping Children Cope with Death

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Helping Children Cope with Death

Death is a reality not easily grasped by children (or, for that matter, by adults).Between the ages of three and five your child will begin to realize that nothing,es forever, and from then on you can expect him to have many questions, fan--isies, and fears about death. He may or may not express these directly, but as hemvs through the preschool years and beyond, he will certainly be aware ofem. In a variety of ways through the course of childhood and adolescence, heill need to work through his concerns and adjust his understanding of life so
it encompasses and eventually comes to terms with death.

In many ways, talking to a child about this subject poses many of the same problems as talking about sexuality. Both topics are very important matters of the human condition, but they are sensitive, emotional, and difficult to broach with children. Furthermore, most children receive a great many impressions, ideas, and messages—often grossly inaccurate or wrongheaded—about bothepics from the media, their friends, and conversations they happen to overhear.lust as a child's knowledge and attitudes about sexuality should not be left to by chance, neither should those related to dying and death.

Tell the truth.

The representations or lies about anything, including death, ultimately cause far more harm than good. Tact and gentleness are important, of course, but theyould not stray into the realm of fantasy or falsehood. Statements such as;randpa went away on a long trip" may sound soothing at the moment, but they will cause problems later as your child attempts to get a grip on whatally happened. It is very important for a child to know that you will not rniAshim, even if the facts aren't comfortable for either of you. This also means that inwill need to prepare him if a loved one is seriously ill or near death. Secrets ahushed conversations do more to raise a child's anxiety than a candid appr.of the situation expressed in simple terms he can understand.

Provide information on a need-to-know basis.

While telling the truth is imperative, your child's ability to deal with the expliidetails of illness or death will definitely depend on his age and maturity. Yinpreschooler doesn't need to know the pathological details about cancer orgruesome details of the injuries sustained in an auto accident, especially wheninvolves someone he has known and loved. On the other hand, a high school stx-dent might not be satisfied with generalities, and more specific informati(would be appropriate.

Be aware of your child's concerns related to death, and address themaccordingly.

While every child approaches this subject with a unique set of experiences, someconceptions and concerns are common in particular age groups. When dis-cussing death with a child, it is very important to understand what he is thining about, a process that may require gentle questioning, open ears, patience, atthe willingness to respond respectfully to whatever you hear.

Younger children (roughly ages three through six) are still in the process ofsorting out real versus make-believe, and their understanding of death may in-clude a variety of fantasies or magical beliefs. For example, they may have seen aTV or movie actor die and then show up next week in another show. Many chil-dren have watched E. T. die and then come back to life, and cartoon charactersroutinely survive severe pummelings. These exposures can cause children to havedifficulty understanding the finality of physical death, the fact that someone whohas died won't come back sometime later.

Younger children may also have problems with cause-and-effect relation-ships related to death. A child may conclude that something he did, said, ormerely thought caused a loved one's death. He may feel terrible guilt and evenbelieve that he can or should do something to bring that person back. Or Imight make some frightening connections related to the circumstances of thedeath. For example, if Grandpa developed a bad cough and then died a week later, someone else's cough could cause a lot of concern.

Older children (ages seven through twelve) are more likely to grasp the real-les related to death, but as a result they may also be very prone to worry exces-vely about those they love. If Mont is a half hour late getting home from choiritearsal, dire images might come to mind: What if she had an accident? Whatmild I do without her?
Adolescents dealing with the death of a loved one, or perhaps a classmatewhose life has been lost to accident or illness, will undoubtedly have a variety ofstrong feelings to sort through. What if that had been me? How can Igo on without ? They will need to talk, to be heard and taken seriously, and probably
be held and comforted at some point.

Remember that your child's ideas and attitudes about death are likelyto mirror yours.
If you are very anxious about death—as evidenced perhaps by how quickly youattempt to dismiss it or by your reluctance to feel or express grief—your childwill pick up on these cues and may well join in your fear. But when the inevitableoccasions arise, if you model an open, honest grief that is coupled with yourith, he is likely to adopt that approach.

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