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Faulty Expectations Identity and the End of Life Test

Over the question of balancing child rearing and career(s)—forTS and fathers—can arise from several powerful but faulty expecta- on that rearing one or more children won't require considerable effort7.7!-anges in lifestyle. An infant cannot be fed and changed and then left7 devices, nor can an older child be expected to grow up on her own.must a child's basic health and safety be assured, but her intellectual-,nal development requires continuous monitoring and frequent inter-_adults who are deeply committed to her.

.tion that a certain lifestyle is necessary for happiness. With rare ex-irever standard of living young parents envision for themselves in theor distant future will probably require more income than expected.Murphy's Law of Money: Everything costs more than you expect-,:hase and to maintain. The belief that a particular home or car, travel,experiences are necessary for contentment in life can push the bud-Es to the point that a second income becomes a necessity. But thisthe ultimate effect of trading irreplaceable interactions with one'sn for material goods that will eventually be worn out and discarded.

on that mother can be Supermom, effortlessly managing a career, nur-liiren, and experiencing extraordinary marital satisfaction—all with greatSmesse. TV commercials and magazine ads have helped create this fan-more often than not leads to frustration, guilt, and, most of all, fa-may be a few true Supermoms around, but the other 99 percent whoearthbound usually realize that they must accept a number of compro-,e and/or work in order to survive.

re often but not always for women: The expectation that being at homein the evaporation of one's intellect and ambition. Women have received-ce from numerous voices, including popular media, friends and ac-s who work outside the home, even insensitive husbands and familywho either don't understand or have forgotten what is involved ina household and nurturing children. The decision to remain at homede at considerable sacrifice, and many women find themselves disadvantaged later when they try to reenter the outside marketplace after aabsence from it. However, to assume that staying home with theerode a woman's mental or professional powers is to subscribe to aznarrow view of life.

The rewards of participating significantly in a child's developme=measured. A parent who chooses to stay home is aware that her chilcilbe home for a season and that her impact on their intellect, develc,values will probably continue for decades. Rearing children is aquires a host of skills as well as insight, patience, and wisdom.

The world of work is changing to accommodate parents who to spend more time with their children. An increasing number of _working part-time or from a home office are making it possible forand dads to be with their children more often and more consist:–women for whom an outside career or interest is important have crea:ing professional options for themselves from within the home setting.encouraging developments, both for women who want to pursue a car.:the home (whether now or in the future) and for women who aremake home their career but who want to pursue artistic or communi-_--.

An issue more often but not always for men: The expectation that the c..17aar-defines identity and that all other concerns pale in comparison. Men are a..for defining themselves in terms of their occupation and position. (Howyou hear a father answer the question "What do you do?" with "I'm 77f-Amanda's dad"?) But the danger of this orientation is that the demanzl•reer and the "pursuit of excellence" at work can result in rampant afrom home and mediocrity in parenting. Many fathers and mothers buymyth that a few minutes of time spent with one's children every day is -as long as it's "quality time." But will a one-ounce steak be satisfying b"quality steak"? Or (perhaps more relevant for men) will sex every sixadequate because it is "quality sex"?

Both mothers and fathers need to think very carefully about these isstruth is, a true and lasting sense of worth, identity, and satisfaction comesfrom being present and accounted for in God's family and going aboutevery day. In the final analysis, these qualities arc not derived from theter one's name, the title on one's door, the plaques on the walls, or thethe bank. They do not come from being CEO of Universal Widget 07

home that is the envy of the neighborhood—or having kids who are _Parents must beware of the "If only ..." syndrome: "If only _ thenisfied/content/happy." These are the longings of those who are perpeur who never fill the gaping hole remaining in their lives, nothey successfully accomplish last month's "If only ..."

-- Parents who are making decisions about who will rear their ask themselves an important question: When you arc staringax-ridor, what in your life will really matter? Will you look backbeers spent at the office and pine over the fact that you weren'tToo may be the world's greatest Monopoly player—on the game=I world—but eventually you will have to fold up the board, put in the box, and put it in the closet. No one will remember forwon the game, but those who were at the table with you will longtheir time with you was pleasant or miserable.

v, will your children arrive at your bedside and thank you for_teals vou accomplished? They will probably remember most fondlyfor the times you spent with them—rocking them, listening toon the carpet, having lunch at their favorite restaurant, going4 on the beach, or helping them out of a jam. At that moment,most will be the people you care about, the lives you havethe prospect of hearing, "Well done, my good and faithful servant?'

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