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Child Discipline Rules

Child discipline rules are building blocks, the brick and mortar of the process of training goals in mind. take the assignment of training children seriously, it is important_7-n grip on your basic goals. What arc you trying to accomplish? Themeted in order of increasing sophistication, should be on your childda Keeping the child safe. Many limits you place on your child, beginninhe can move himself from point A to point B, will be designed to kee: -harm. Early in his explorations he will have no idea whether an er • world is friend or foe. He should not find out primarily through pair_error. As the months and years pass, he should gain an increasingly Sc:- -understanding of cause and effect and consequences. Preventing harm to others.Preventing damage to property (whether the child's or someone else's).Teaching respect for those in legitimate positions of authority. This 7 - with you, the parent, and later extend to other designated caregivers.her first birthday, your child will make clear that she wants to 1u-1rcharge here. If you haven't established your authority and your right : -early, you will he in for a bumpy ride later on. Establishing your au: -not mean that you need to be harsh, vindictive, or dictatorial. Inste:preparing her for the reality that everyone at various times of life mi.:,someone else. Eventually a child's respect must encompass teachers, coaches, ment officers, employers, and so on. Ultimately, she must also learn • ArGod's authority over her life—and understand that this authority is Ir.irlove and a boundless desire for her (the child's) well-being. Whether • _ it or not, your child's concept of God will be affected to a significar -her experiences with you during her years at home. Teaching internal controls for actions and words. The ability and willi::lay gratification are not programmed into children, who usually war -want when they want it, which is now. ',earning to wait one's turn ar..the reward until the work is done isn't merely an exercise for toddlersschool children. This training received in childhood has ample ap:-adult life as well, in arenas as diverse as education (plowing throlr.:7course work to earn a degree), finances (waiting to buy somethingafford it), and sexuality (delaying the pleasure of intercourse fornight). Furthermore, what comes "out of the mouths of babes" (as well asdren) often isn't particularly delicate or thoughtful. While not en::: -pressive notion of children being seen but not heard, one of your mos: -projects over the years will be teaching your child to engage the -putting the tongue in gear.

civility. Manners, politeness, and general decorum are not inbornthildren. Not only should saying please, thank you, and other detailsfire be taught at an early age and repeated until they become auto-a child passes through the grade-school years, the attitudes of re-essness that underlie the habits will become habits as well. Ideally,hides and the behaviors will be modeled consistently at home—hutguarantee that your example will be followed, and specific instruc-•: be necessary. DISCIPLINEANDTRAINING 299 ;meone else's). ithority. Thisited caregivers.wants to know -Ind your right toshing your authoctatorial. Instead.mes of life must iers, coaches, law.ust also learn tos authority is moJBeing. Whether yo.:to a significant ility and willing7_ho usually wan: -it one's turn and :ise for toddlershas ample app:plowing v something urntercourse for the abes" (as well asWhile not enfoine of your most irr"'D engage the 7.-"— .pegative behavior patterns and more serious long-term consequences.:ishonesty, disrespect, poor impulse control, aggression, and de- are annoying and disruptive in a four-year-old. In a fourteen-year-lead to devastating or even lethal outcomes, not only for a teenagerfre_-:Illv and an ever widening circle of people who must deal with theof his words and actions. airrnalized values. Honesty, responsibility, compassion, perseverance,-cipline, courage, and faith are admirable qualities in a grade-in an adult they lead to a life of productivity and service. Peopleg these qualities often emerge as leaders in their circles of influence. should be appropriate for the child's ageties. the age of seven months is unable to act in a self-conscious man-out more than a handful of specific acts. Thus, efforts to makeat this age are futile and ill advised. If she cries or wiggles during a, there is no point in attempting to "discipline" her to do otherwise.ps a world-class episode of colic, she isn't doing it to ruin your day,pendencc, or challenge your authority. She doesn't feel right, andonly way she can express that discomfort. However, some shaping'such as reversing day and night sleep patterns by stimulating heris possible at an early age, as discussed in earlier chapters of the a baby's eighth and fifteenth months, some limit setting must begincomes more mobile. However, as detailed in chapters 7 and 8, an in-to explore her surroundings is normal, and her fierce determinationie interpreted as defiance. She may crawl toward the same plant fifteenbecause she is trying to take charge, but because it looks terribly in-and her memory is very short. The primary methods to utilize at this -'-;rigs about his appearance ("I just love your curly hair") may.uddle session, but this won't necessarily improve his behavior.special privileges are perfectly appropriate ways to bring aboutespecially in situations where you are trying to increase effort orFor example, many parents set up systems in which pointsactivities such as getting out of bed on time, keeping a room •_7 OUt the trash. When a certain number of points are accumulated,-cam:e reward (such as a trip to the park or a small toy) is given. A vari-the theme (especially for children with a shorter attention span) in-a treat that will begin as soon as one or more tasks are completed.ne's toys are picked up, the back porch is swept, the animals fed,put away, we can all go out for frozen yogurt.") Or money may be of-Dieting extra work such as weeding the yard. And, yes, it's okay toble premium for a certain number of A's or B's on the report card,this inspires a child to put forth more effort on schoolwork.rents might argue that rewarding children is merely bribing themthey should do anyway. It's true that you should not use rewards on a

nonstop basis, especially for nonnegotiable behavior such as brushi:-.coming when called. But few adults go to work every day purely out c:-ness of their heart, and a paycheck is as concrete a reward as anything -concoct for your child. There is nothing wrong with allowing a child .ward tangible goals as long as they are not fostering overt greed or mat_ 4. Limits and expectations must be defined clearly by parents e-understood by their children. For discipline to be effective, especially during the early years, a• know and understand what you want and what will happen if he does:- -By the time he arrives at the preschool years or soon thereafter, he shL _to repeat back to you both the limit and the consequence of breaking i:_behaves but truly appears not to have known that what he did was Nvrc 7_ Zplanation is more appropriate than punishment. (However, if a messor damage done, he should take part in the cleanup and restoration When discussing consequences, don't make threats that are outrig:- -you do that again, the police will come and take you away" or "If yo::that, the doctor will give you a shot!" A child who has been told tha:nization or any other medical treatment is a punishment is notformed but may come to resent the doctor or nurse as well.) Coopera::: 7_future visits may be jeopardized, and the child might become reluz:=something about an important symptom for fear of being "punisl:t :-doctor again. Furthermore, don't issue a warning involving a consecare not actually willing to carry out. "If you don't stop arguing, cancel our trip to the lake!" is either an excessive or an idle threat, espe:trip has been planned for six months, with reservations and a depc,_-_mailed. After several grandiose warnings that never come true, yourcatch on and not pay attention to you. But if you're truly willing to tire vacation over an argument in the backseat, you need to reconsid:.-:your punishment really fits the crime. How many rules and regulations you actually spell out will depe7.child. He should learn that the basic moral principles you have taugh: '-to the world at large and not just to his immediate family. But you r=7make these connections explicit. For example, even if it seems self-±7you, you may have to make it clear that the statement "Don't take -_-don't belong to you" includes what is in the neighbor's garage as we:1in his sister's toy chest increase a child's responsibilities at home, your expectations :0 become more detailed. It probably won't occur to him to closet rather than throw them on the floor, for example, so - do this (and he's capable), he will need specific directions. ental expectation deserves special mention: Your child shouldyour directions whether or not you decide to give reasons and ex--sou find yourself haggling and debating with your child every time do something, it's time to tighten the reins. Present a plain-on of your right to lead ("I'm the parent, you're the child, andPeriod!"), along with a warning that further arguing will lead to _however, that while you have the right to expect your child's ()be-have the responsibility to lead in a manner that is reasonable andests at heart. Like adults, children and adolescents care passion-is fair, and they become agitated when consequences seem tochin air. The New Testament warns parents not to exasperate theira steady stream of arbitrary or unjust punishments will not onlybut reap a bitter harvest years later. need to exercise particular wisdom in situations where you really -directions, even if you feel they shouldn't have been necessary. :hat "Nobody said I couldn't jump off the roof!" and you might __forting with equal fervor (as you head for the emergency room-ted ankle), "You should have known better!" But these frustrating.a.-tually be rich opportunities to teach broad principles (looking be-&inking before acting), which will be more effective than merely--e detailed rules. es must occur consistently and in a timely manner. cad should respond to any specific direction you give ("Please pickc") without delay, distraction, or argument. In reality, many par-t if their child actually obeyed them right away, without somelaint. But this goal can be achieved if the following principles are e, give a little advance notice if you intend to interrupt somethings wing. ("Tyrone, in ten minutes I want you to head upstairs and startf..;..t the buzzer so you'll know when it's time." Or "Monique, when• :I_fished, I need you to set the table.") Make sure your directions arc

li and \Alen your (Wad doesra do N,• ,at. you have asked, 'take actic 7 I' I\--:\i‘ -''°%- \s\-->'.-\"\\-1 .S-\-• -'\-.`\‘s\-.\:-..\- \-< ',,' \ -`'-':''-Tyrone, it's very important that you do exactly as I tell you. To help y -her next time, you're going to bed a half hour early tonight?' "Monica___finish your video, but you didn't set the table when it was done. I rest- iyou were doing, but it's very important that you respect me by follow:7reclions. I want you to set the table now, and to help you remember 7:I ask, you're not going to watch any videos for a day.") You don't have to get angry or raise your voice. You don't have :7or make threats. Just take appropriate action, making sure that wha: - •be meaningful but not harsh and that you will follow through with :1--.±Monique shrugs and says she isn't going to watch any videos tomor::extend the ban for as many days as needed to get her attention. Make certain that your response to a child's misbehavior is timely. A -.not remember what you were upset about an hour ago, and an oldernot be kept in suspense all day waiting for some undefined but wore:ishment to be delivered. Be sure to enforce your rules and limits consistently. Not only shouir,dren know that you will back up your words with action every ti•::should also know that your response won't waver to any great degre_transgression shouldn't bring about a soft reminder one night and` -ishment the next. On-again, off-again discipline is confusing, and :-disobedience and unhealthy fear. In a two-parent family, both par±7strive to dispense consequences in a similar manner. "Wait till yourhome" is a phrase you should never have to use, because Mom anddeliver the goods with equal conviction. All of these principles are important because most children becomegame called "What happens if ... ?" They spend a lot of time effect and can usually predict with some accuracy when parental attic :-occur. In many families, the odds depend upon which parent is what else is going on, time of day, tone of voice, and numerous otherchild hears a lot of talk about what he should or shouldn't do but •backed up with action, he will probably pay little attention (unless he -sensitive to tone of voice or verbal disapproval alone). The bottom -•and when your child challenges your leadership (whether actively c7 -respond with action—calmly, respectfully, quickly, decisively, and co-, . :a action and expl a :ryou to start ) ou. To help you t-7-•;ht.""Monique. .s done. I respect:me by followir.:u remember to don't have to c -re that what you =rough with the a:dens tomorrow --ention. is timely. A tod-°.--nd an older childied but worriso - - t only shouldon every time.- great degree. -L - -nightandaha: -fusing, and it L-t- both paren-. Vait till your fa:- 17'C Mom and Da L- m become expe:-:'me observingarental action isrent is playing -Tierous other dn't do but lit-de(unless he is -he bottom line er actively or 7ely, and cons::. ence should be appropriate for the transgression. words are all the response you will need. For toddlers and-7.. a disapproving look and a tone of voice that says you mean busi- itte,:en promptly change behavior or even bring tears and the need for_ember that what you say should be appropriate for the age-group. iaLlier, simple statements such as "Don't touch the stove," especially-panied by physically lifting him away from it, are appropriate. Fort reaffirming the reasons for your limits is worthwhile as well. Andit a point to sound pleasant and relaxed most of the time, your moreof voice will be far more effective when you choose to use it. ing a privilege can be effective from toddlerhood through adoles-1:- toddler bangs a toy against the coffee table despite your clear di-.r.-ap, put the toy away for a while. If you've told your first-grader to put •the garage but it remains on the front lawn all night, a day without itz-lind him next time. If your adolescent has ignored specific instruc.- being home by a certain hour, a week without phone or driving priv-be a meaningful way to get her attention. •t can be useful with toddlers, preschoolers, and early grade-school •cially when emotions need to cool down. This involves isolating the-.=-pen, in his room, or simply on a chair—without toys or other en- -_—for a specified period of time. Usually one minute of time-out per appropriate, although if the child hasn't calmed down, more timeniezes_wy. This approach is usually effective—assuming, of course, that willing to cooperate. If he refuses to stay on the chair or starts trash- - during a time-out, more direct physical intervention may be neces- -:tion is an important principle of discipline that can and should be with older children and adolescents. If your child makes a mess, If he causes someone else's property to be damaged or destroyed, or through passive negligence, he participates in the repair and- tle may have to work to repay all or part of the costs involved. acts of restitution necessarily involve property. If your daughter liese. for example, she should confess to that person. If she has broken afailed to honor a commitment, she will need to apologize to the per--Iced. These acts of humility are often far more difficult—but also&...ter building—than enduring any time-out or loss of privilege. g consequences to play out is a potentially powerful approach toes7ecially during the school-age years. The basic principle is this: Look DISCIPLINEANDTRAINING 305 pg•asarzt and not potentially clanv.erous . r exanavic:. • If he AeavesYlsce replace it immediately. He'll be more careful with the nex: _1- owns. • if she forgets to bring home her permission slip for themiss it. She won't forget the next time. 4 IC lieroughly and carelessly with his new toy and brc-_,L;, "&\t"'N cic\-c=-"cc‘-'3•\"cx"\-• (\"\i'-.\-== - with him about taking better care of his possessions in the o If she dawdles every morning and then misses the school_f7deal with the fallout from the unexcused absence. Your motivation should not be anger or spite, and your tone"I told you so," "Now you'll listen to me," or "That'll teach you!" Ifprocess should be painful for you; you should provide emotionalcomfort while you resist the urge to bail him out. Whatever you during one of these episodes need not come with a flood of reprim=±5.'he has already felt the sting of wrongdoing. Why should you and your child endure these unpleasant expe7:7.-=..-cially when it is often within your capability to end them quici,-L- arcBecause what he learns from an uncomfortable episode as a chile from a disastrous or even lethal miscalculation as an adolescent..L_allowed to become an expert on consequences will be morethrough the outcomes of his actions later on when the stakes arewithout his lunch won't kill him, but getting involved with illega:marital sex might. Furthermore, if he is repeatedly spared the C'7.:his misbehavior throughout childhood and adolescence, he may-control or exercise good judgment as an adult. Physical punishment (specifically, disciplinary spanking) is abe useful in specific circumstances. However, some voices in ou: :demn all spanking, based on claims that it teaches violence, per:, _damages a child's dignity, and doesn't change behavior. These for abusive forms of corporal punishment such as slapping, kicking.in cases of spanking when it is used excessively or inappropriately.representing an expression of anger and frustration, causing injury. DISCIPLINEANDTRAINING 307 ling in-are s it, d bi ield sealsle losshe fu)1 bus, let one sh !" If an'tonal s)u chooseprirnands experience.luicklv and:hild mayent. A )rearelegal drle consLay never ;) is a tootn ourperpetcriticismsicking, ately, suchinjur-y. utilized with appropriate guidelines, spanking can and should be nor damaging to a child's physical or emotional well-being. Withpreschoolers, a controlled swat on the behind may be appropriate ontation to a timely conclusion. A disciplinary spanking should--ed only in response to an episode of willful defiance characterizedpropriate parental directive that the child understands and is ca--Mg; a direct challenge from the child, especially with a disrespect-tone; or persistent and blatant refusal to cooperate. situations, attempts to reason with a hotly defiant toddler or tofeelings" with a disrespectful preschooler are likely to be futile.:-Ad to call you names, spit at you, throw objects, take a swing at you, :r home is inappropriate and unhealthy, does not help him "get it and virtually guarantees more of the same destructive and ob-_ . or in the future. And if the conflict continues to boil or escalate, frustration may reach a flash point at which hurtful words or ac-... action you take in such circumstances should not be an out-L 71-er or an act of revenge, but rather a tactic to turn your child's be-:: and bring the rebellion to a swift conclusion. A spanking of oneswats should provide a brief, superficial sting to the buttocks or theupper thighs. (You should try this first on your own skin.) It should,-nough to get the child's attention, bring on some tears, and breakdefiance. It should not cause bruising or breaking of the skin. The useles, canes, hairbrushes, or other hardware is inappropriate, as is face--nching, or any other form of physical injury. linary spanking should be carried out in private, between parent andnot in front of the rest of the world or wide-eyed siblings). It must beby- reconciliation, comforting, reassurance, and simple teaching aboutsuch an episode in the future. You should not need to take this coursemore than a few times during your child's life. Once you have establishedyou are in charge, many (if not most) defiant episodes can be settledmeasures such as verbal reprimands, time-outs, or restriction of priv-have a particularly strong-willed child, however, more than a few dis-spankings may be necessary. But if you find yourself taking this type ofa daily or weekly basis, you should reevaluate your basic approach to dis-aps you are taking too harsh a response to childish irresponsibility oricating clearly to the child what you expect. Or it is possible that forons your child is not capable of understanding or following your directives. If spankings have become a frequent occurrence in your home,prevent physical, emotional, or even spiritual damage to your child, _ r•-consider seeking alternative approaches and other help from a counselor :-who shares your basic values and views on child rearing.Disciplinary spanking should not be carried out • if you feel extremely angry, highly stressed, or emotionally unsta:• if you were abused as a child, unless you have worked through hurts (and the issue of corporal punishment of your own child:, - a professional counselor; • if you are not clear about the difference between childish irresr -and willful defiance, either in general or in the specific situation _ • if both parents are not in agreement about its appropriate use; • after a child reaches the age of ten. Disciplinary spanking shot:::infrequently after the age of five or six; • by anyone other than a child's parent, except under specificcircumstances (such as a prolonged period of care by another -_-the parent's absence) in which explicit permission and groundbeen laid down. 7. A unified approach to discipline, carried out regardless ccharge of a child at any given time, should be a firm .oaren:•- If other caregivers are involved in your child's upbringing, theybrought up to speed on your viewpoint and techniques of training if _pline. If a child's mother and father are divorced, every effort should bemaintain the same standards in each parent's household. Without st _children will learn to play one parent or caregiver against the other "'-I---no, so let's ask Dad"). An honest disagreement about principles and practices should r_ -cussed in front of the children. Under no circumstances (except anthreat to a child's life or health) should one parent openly contradict the instructions of the other. This is not only disrespectful, but it a:- :mines the other parent's authority. If necessary in the heat of the mc:-ents should call a time-out and discuss their issues behind closed-taking further action. DISCIPLINEANDTRAINING 309 ce in your home, into your child, youfrom a counselor c. 0 unstaL- if'corked through _your own chile-.- n childish irresp :-specific situation :.-.ppropriate use; - spanking shou::. ider specific are by another 7,-,on and ground regardless of 4tfirm parental g: >ringing, they shc-:„.les of training anyeffort should be m_.old. Without suchnst the other ("1W- ctices should n s -ces (except an Ily contradict or c-2ctful, but it also _.?eat of the mom..rind closed doors - teaching of values to times of confrontation. the only time moral principles are discussed is during correc-D.g from an episode of wrongdoing. But this will tend to leaveanted or even repressive sense of values. Be on the lookout for.nts," those conversations during which you can give your child--,Ter understanding of right and wrong. Chapter 10 (pages a number of helpful suggestions. -opriate, allow your child to make choices that will givesense of competence and individuality. school years, this can involve simple decisions such as which pa-7'.) wear or which story she wants to hear at bedtime. As the years.:-..d significance of the options should increase—which summer hich musical instrument to play. The gradual granting of in-=.:nce and responsibility, which is one of the fine arts of parent-±1 more depth in chapter 13. 2:-Loices or begin haggling over issues for which there should beexample, sitting in the car seat, bathing, visiting the doctor. :r that children learn a great deal about appropriatewhat they see modeled by the adults in their lives. :Dout virtues and work diligently to instill values in your children, seeking its own level, their moral sensibilities aren't likely to riseTy-er goes on in front of them at home. At least for the first several =)u as a parent are their authority on just about everything. Your-.ms provide hundreds of little vignettes that can teach them about kindness, honesty, faith, and perseverance—or the opposite of he beginning of wisdom in providing training and discipline for• is an honest, ongoing appraisal of your own life and values. No _:sy or tired you might feel, don't shrink from this important a